There is a perception among us that if someone was sexually abused as a child, they will go on to abuse children. In this post, we will take an opportunity to add clarity to this topic.
This post references data from a number of studies, including this study out of Australia (published in 2012, this study is frequently cited by other researchers).
FACT: Children who are sexually abused frequently experience significantly higher incidences of mental and physical health adversities, homelessness, joblessness and incarceration (including incarceration for sexual offenses). Sexual abuse is considered one of the worst forms of childhood trauma.
FACT: The vast majority of male perpetrators of child sexual abuse were sexually abused as children (77%).
FACT: The vast majority of male sexual abuse victims DO NOT become abusers (5%)
FACT: Female sexual abuse victims almost never become abusers (less than 1%).
Why do these facts matter? They add to the larger conversation about sexual abuse, and our consistent inability to foster productive dialogue about protecting children. If you are an adult survivor/overcomer of childhood sexual abuse, it’s likely that one of the reasons you don’t talk about it with others is your fear that they’ll assume you’ll harm their children.
As we work to normalize this issue and be better protectors of children, we need to be educated about it. Perpetration of myth is counter-productive. For those of you who want to be part of the solution, here are some common myths and myth-busters that you can share when the opportunity presents itself:
MYTH: Stranger danger / white van / lost dog
The vast majority (93%) of sexual abuse victims are abused by people they know. Abusers are people who take advantage of easy access to children through work, volunteering, or social proximity (neighbors, friends, relatives). They are rarely the guy driving the white van and offering kids free candy. This makes the conversation more challenging because we have to get comfortable talking with children about personal boundary setting with people who are close to them, or in authority over them. At Revved Up Kids, we talk about “unsafe people” and we tell children that unsafe people might be strangers, but also might be people who they know, see regularly, and care about.
MYTH: Not in my neighborhood.
There is a belief that sexual abuse doesn’t happen in “nice” neighborhoods in the expensive part of town. The fact is, sexual abuse is an equal opportunity horror….any child can be victimized. This story about a Sandy Springs doctor is a chilling reminder that outward appearances often contradict what’s happening behind closed doors. At Revved Up Kids, we believe the easiest target for a sexual predator is a child who doesn’t know anything about sexual abuse. This is why we advocate for routine conversations from a very young age. Our parent seminars are helpful tools for this.
MYTH: My online protection software is keeping my child safe.
Your child is only as safe as their least supervised friend. You can layer all the protection you want to onto the devices that you control, but they can access anything they’d like to on someone else’s device (AND, a lot of the protections you put in place are easy for children to “jailbreak”). With more than 500,000 predators active online in the U.S. (Dept of Justice statistic), it’s crucial that you partner with your child to keep them safe. Revved Up Kids offers training programs for tweens and teens, and for parents, that support online safety. We also recommend the Bark managed Facebook Group, Parenting in a Tech World, as a great resource for understanding and addressing online dangers.
MYTH: I would know it if my child were being sexually abused
We’d all like to think that we’d notice, but sexual abuse is insidious and abusers are master manipulators. They embed themselves deeply into the life of the victim and the victim’s family and no one questions their motives because they seem so genuine. This is why a routine and regular family dialogue is so very important. Keep your “Spidey sense” up and watch for the subtle ways that a child might be indicating trauma without actually saying the words. Are they wetting the bed or experiencing nightmares? Are they having angry outbursts? Are they clingy? Are they avoiding a particular person or activity? Are they asking strange questions (sometimes an abuser tells them a lie, and the victim will test another adult to find out if it’s true or not).
In hindsight, most parents of victims can clearly see the signs but, when it’s happening, the signs can be so subtle or obfuscated that parents simply don’t connect the dots. At Revved Up Kids, we illustrate a number of red flag behaviors that parents should watch out for, including an adult who is paying special attention to your child and finding ways to be alone with your child, any behavior changes that are outside normal development, friendships that suddenly end (abuse can be peer-to-peer, or sometimes a person in that friend’s household is the perpetrator), evasiveness about online activity, and many others. Trusting your gut is imperative when it comes to your child’s safety….if it doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not right.
Being a protector
Bottom line, protecting children is about understanding facts, normalizing dialogue with children and with survivors, and having clarity around the cycle of sexual abuse…. most abusers were victims, but most victims do not become abusers.
If you’d like to learn more, consider hosting a Revved Up Kids training for your group. Contact us.
Revved Up Kids has trained tens of thousands of children to recognize dangerous people, avoid unsafe situations, and escape attackers. Our training programs are available for boys and girls in K-12th grade, for parents, and for youth serving organizations. Contact us to discuss protecting the children you love from predators and violence, 678.526.3335.