“It wasn’t a stranger, it was Uncle John.” Those words from a child have the power to turn worlds upside down, and the response of the trusted adult in that moment can make all the difference. The data speaks for itself: More than 90% of the time when a child is sexually abused, they know their abuser. Sadly, those abusers are often the people parents trust the most: cousins, aunts & uncles, grandparents, friends and neighbors.
The role of family gatherings in perpetuating abuse
“It wasn’t a stranger, it was Uncle John.” Those words from a child have the power to turn worlds upside down, and the response of the trusted adult in that moment can make all the difference. The data speaks for itself: More than 90% of the time when a child is sexually abused, they know their abuser. Sadly, those abusers are often the people parents trust the most: cousins, aunts & uncles, grandparents, friends and neighbors.
Research consistently shows that family members are responsible for a considerable proportion of child sexual abuse cases. In fact, approximately 30-40% of reported instances of child sexual abuse involve an abuser who is a related to the child. Like it our not, the season of family gatherings can provide perfect opportunity for a sexual abuser, and like it or not, it’s a parent’s responsibility to put protections in place, even if you believe you can trust your family members completely.
One of the most significant challenges in addressing child sexual abuse within families is the difficulty in identifying it. The gradual nature of the abuse, or its framing as a form of affection, can prevent a child from immediately recognizing it as harmful. How many of you had a relative who loved to invite you to sit on their lap, or play tickle games with you? And when does that behavior cross a line? Even if the child believes that something is wrong, they may not know how to disclose or they may fear they won’t be believed. The abuser will often gaslight the child into thinking that the abuse is normal, or that it is their fault. In some cultures, the idea of “family honor” or loyalty can add another layer of complexity that impedes disclosures. All of this creates confusion and makes it exceedingly difficult for the child to speak up.
Comfortable family dialogue is key to protecting children. Children must be taught from an early age about body boundaries, respect, and the importance of consent. Adults, including parents, caregivers, and extended family members, also need to be educated about the importance of creating environments in which children feel safe to report any inappropriate or uncomfortable behavior.
Receiving and responding to a disclosure
What makes the difference between a child sexual abuse survivor and a child sexual abuse overcomer in adulthood? The way their disclosure was treated by their trusted adults, and the support (or lack of support) they received to address their trauma.
The child whose disclosure is ignored or minimized will experience confusion, shame, and a sense of isolation and betrayal. Imagine if you were that child. You bravely disclose the abuse to the person who you trust to keep you safe, and they ignore or minimize what happened to you….or worse….they blame you. In the long term, the child will struggle with trusting others and may also face additional negative physical, emotional and social outcomes as a result of being forced to manage their trauma on their own.
On the other hand, when an adult responds with support, empathy, and belief, it can have a profound positive impact on the child’s recovery and future well-being. A supportive response validates the child’s experience, letting them know that they are not alone and that their feelings matter. In the long term, a supportive response can contribute to better emotional resilience, healthier relationships, and a greater ability to cope with future challenges.
How do you respond effectively if a child discloses sexual abuse to you? DO NOT INTERROGATE THE CHILD! In the moment of a disclosure, you will likely receive it with shock, anger and sadness. It’s imperative that you swallow those emotions and stay strong for your child. The best way to prevent additional traumatization of the child is to keep your questions to a minimum, and focus on the child in that moment, not the details you so desperately want them to tell you. Our advice is simple: You look your child in the eye, you say “I know that was so hard for you to share with me and I need you to know that I believe you and I will do everything I can to keep you safe. Is there anything you need from me right now?” Then allow the child to ask for whatever support they need (it may be no support, they may just tell you and walk away and that’s okay). Once the initial disclosure conversation is over, call 9-1-1 if you believe there is a clear and present danger to your child or another child, or visit https://childhelphotline.org or call 800-422-4453 (national child abuse hotline) to get advisement on the best next steps to protect your child and report the abuse.
The responsibility of all adults
Ultimately, confronting the issue of child sexual abuse within and outside families requires a societal shift toward accountability, transparency, and, most importantly, the safeguarding of all children’s rights to safety and dignity. Every adult plays a role whether they are a parent or not.
Revved Up Kids is dedicated to normalizing conversations about sexual abuse. Our training programs reframe the messages that kids may hear from abusers, equip them to respond appropriately, and inform them about who abusers might be, including the very people in their lives who they should be able to trust the most.
If you’re interested in learning more about our prevention programs for children, teens and adults, visit our website programs page or contact us to discuss bringing training to a group.
Revved Up Kids has trained tens of thousands of children to recognize dangerous people, avoid unsafe situations, and escape attackers. Our training programs are available for boys and girls in K-12th grade, for parents, and for youth serving organizations. Contact us to discuss protecting the children you love from predators and violence, 678.526.3335.